Self-Improvement or Self-Erasure?

Every single person on this earth is unique. However, some people are more valued than others. Not because internally and intrinsically we have the same worth, but because of how the social and physical perception of society ranks us.

In FMAB, when Edward tries to resurrect his mother, he understands why human transmutation is forbidden. We simply don't know what is equivalent to a human soul - you can't just give ingredients, some blood, and resurrect a human being, because a soul isn't binary, it doesn't have a number attached to it. So why are some people more valued than others? Messi is more valued because he is the greatest at a sport, but does that make him a more valuable human being? While his accomplishments and his external life are something no one can ever replicate, it doesn't make him more valuable. People who are better looking, smarter, or faster carry a social perception that makes them more valuable in society, yet they are still human. The fact that you are not like them makes you intrinsically valuable because there will never be another you - it's not possible. The mixture of sins, quirks, flaws, and idiosyncrasies are the very things that make you a one of one.

Identity Through Different Lenses

In Perfect Blue, we learn about how identity is viewed from an outside lens. Your identity is you, however people will see you through either a) how society values you or b) how they choose to see you by focusing on what they want to see. You could be an athletic, funny introvert, but society will focus on Harvard, sophistication, wealth. Your identity can be perceived by various people in various ways that don't reflect you. This is once again because society has standards, or rather chooses to focus on certain traits like wealth, looks, and humor. But what if you were emotionally intelligent, loyal, creative, hardworking, or well-rounded? Your value and your worth aren't hyped or recognized because you don't fit the perfect mold. Perfect Blue teaches that chasing perfection leads to insanity - not because perfection is inherently a bad thing, but because chasing it means destroying what makes you, you. That's why the ending line in Perfect Blue - "No, I'm the real me" - makes this movie so much more than just a psychological thriller. It's a symbol that being yourself is the freest thing in this world.

The Confusion of Self-Improvement

This leads to a hard, confusing problem that I'm trying to work through. Everyone preaches the "being the best version of myself" mindset. You want to become the best possible version of yourself, which on its surface isn't a hard philosophical challenge - it makes sense. However, what gets more complicated are the a) reasons why you are doing it, b) losing yourself in the process, and c) the end goal.

When you are trying to change yourself - become 6'4, athletic, CTO of a Fortune 500 company - the reasons are usually inherently wrong. You want the world to see you as someone valuable, someone successful. It's rare that you want to get jacked purely for yourself; deep down, the desire is to be more valued. But human souls are all equally valuable, no? So you are trying to externally become something you're not in order to make your soul adapt to this new version of yourself, which doesn't work because it's simply not you.

The Erosion of Self

Then you lose yourself in the process - compromising morals, changing viewpoints, doing things you've never done to fit a character that society values. This process changes you, eroding who you were inherently and triggering an identity crisis where you no longer know who you are.

Lastly, the end goal of changing yourself is to feel more valued, to be heard, to be noticed. That may happen - but what will people actually see? They will once again see this reformed, polished version of perfection - the accomplishments - not the kid who likes kicking a ball around or the teenager who likes playing video games with friends. They see the external person, not the soul.

The Paradox

All of this leads to something even more confusing. If self-improvement is usually driven by a sinful purpose, should I stay where I am - the "unvalued" person, even though we are all equal - and allow society to judge based on external factors? Is there a way to keep being the same person while just leveling up? Can you lose 20 lbs and still treat people the same way? Can you earn $100,000 more than you used to and still hang out with your old school friends?

Leveling up externally doesn't have to mean leveling up the soul, because the soul is something you can't change - and shouldn't, as it is the indicator of your unique, true self.